A Slight Miscommunication....

So, before I get started, I have to admit that I fought about whether or not to post this for 2 reasons. One being that it's quite embarrassing, and two being that the circumstances leading up to the miscommunication is entirely out of character for me. However, it makes for a pretty interesting story. Therefore, I have decided to get it off my chest..

     It all happened on a very lazy Saturday. I was lying around the house wallowing in boredom when I decided to check my Plenty of Fish dating profile. I have taken up making profiles (embarrassingly) because I don't seem to get out of the house enough to meet people very often. I was scrolling through my matches, and a particular profile caught my eye. She was quite attractive. Very attractive, in fact. I decided to bite the bullet and message her even though I just assumed I would be shunned. Not because I feel like I'm hideous, but just because for the men, the competition on dating sites are fierce. Mainly because all the men lie to make themselves look like prince charming...but I digress. I sent a message to her. Nothing fancy...just talking about music as it seemed to be a big interest of hers that I share. She responded and was very kind. We talked back and forth for a while, and I felt it was going good.  The messages crawled to a stop and I started tinkering around the house. About an hour later, my phone went off. I picked it up, and saw a message from her. It simply said "Are you busy tonight?" I responded, "No, just sitting around, being lazy".
She responded, I'm kinda bored, do you wanna maybe hang out.

    NOW....this is where I would normally either say no, or I would offer to meet at a restaurant, or coffee shop, but as fate would have it this weekend. I was broke as hell. So, against my better judgement, I said yes. Now, to be clear, I would never just invite a stranger to my home, EVER. Under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. So, I immediately panicked, as one with Social Anxiety disorder often does. Before I knew it, I was convinced that I was about to be chopped up and eaten. The only reason I made an exception was because her profile was exceptionally well filled out. From chemistry tests, to likes/dislikes etc. And from our conversation, we had a LOT in common. At this point I gave her my phone number so she could text me.


HERE IS WHERE THE STORY GETS WEIRD. I get a text from her. "Hey, I have a friend that wants to come with me. Do you have pandora or any other music there" I responded..."Yes, I can stream music, that wont be an issue" My thought was that she was bringing a guy. So I asked her, and she said no, it was a girlfriend of hers. Anxiety really set in at this point, because frankly, I was worried that I would be awkward. I reluctantly agreed, and then immediately wondered if I could just get in my car and leave and watch them show up and leave from the next set of duplexes, and forget all this ever happened. Instead I toughed it out. 20 minutes later a knock at the door. I answered, and there stood before two very attractive ladies. The friend was WAY hotter than the original girl I was texting with. I sat down in the chair and we started chit chatting, about kids, about the apartments.....you know just small talk. This went on for well over 10 minutes. Then the conversation went to work. I explained that I work as an IT guy, and she said she worked at The Pony. Now I have never been there (honest truth), but i'm pretty sure that's a strip club. She explained that her boss sent her home because her son was sick. My first thought at this point was "why is she not taking care of him right now".

The conversation stopped...the three of us awkwardly listening to some slow indie song that playing on pandora. I was frantically trying to think of a conversation starter when the song changed to some upbeat song. The prettier of the 2 girls sat up quickly and said "SO! You wanna start with lap dance?" Um WHAAAAAAAA? I sat there mouth gaped. I literally had NO CLUE what to say. The only thing I could mutter was "ummmmmmmmmm, a lap dance" Suddenly from behind her I hear "From both of us" at which point I simply laughed....like a TOTAL IDIOT. I had no clue what else to say. She responded, or we can go straight to your room.

The silence was suddenly broken. The prettier said "The normal rate for just a dance is $50, but we can cut you a deal if you like".

"WHOA WHOA" E-BRAKE!!!! The sudden realization hit me like a ton of bricks as I felt my heart jump into my throat. My immediate reaction was the urge to vomit all over the place. I swallowed hard.....

Me: Are you two.....(long pause while I wonder if the word hooker would offend them).....Prostitutes?"

Girl 1: Um yea, I dropped you like a million hints

Me: I don't pay for sex, that's illegal. Even if it were legal, I don't pay for sex. There must have been a misunderstanding.

Girl 2 (the hot one): If you don't like me, you can just do her.

Me: I'm not doing ANYONE! I'm not paying for sex.

Girl 1: Did you just think we were going to come over here and f*ck you for free?

Me: I NEVER ASSUMED ANYONE WAS SCREWING ANYONE! I thought you girls were bored and wanted to have a couple of beers and kill time

Girl 1: I told you we were bored and needed entertainment

Me: Ok, in my terms that means a couple of beers and karaoke. Not paying for sex. (At this point I was actually getting kind of pissed)

Girl 1: So, you don't want to get lucky

Me: I think we are on the same page. POF is a dating site...not an escort service. I can't believe you had the balls to assume a guy you met on a legitimate dating site would pay for sex.

Girl 1: Come on Girl 2, this guy is a loser. He thinks he can get sex from someone else for free.

Me: Um....I can.

Girl 2: Yea, but will they look like me?

Me: No, but my standards aren't that high...(Huge grin, just to piss her off)

Then the girls stormed off.


I watched out my window for the rest of the night waiting for a 300 lb black pimp named Knuckles to come over, but he never showed. I assume they just saw some fat guy on a dating and assumed I was desperate and thought they could make a few extra bucks.

A hard lesson was learned that night. Apparently I need to brush up on taking hints on when someone on a dating site is ,in fact, a prostitute. In the meantime, nobody is coming to my house again no matter how hot unless I know you. BIG BIG Mistake.

So guys, the saying holds true. IF IT SEEMS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE, IT PROBABLY IS.

I should have known better. I have had the fortune to date some very attractive women in my past, but nothing like these two. I should have known something was awry. I thought maybe they were chubby chasers....are there women chubby chasers?


Now, I don't trust dating sites. I need to get out of the house....



 

People and Technology...I'm onto you!!!

   Let's talk about computers. The world is run by technology. The technology is run by blathering idiots.  Well, to be fair, not all people are idiots when it comes to new technology. Some just want to attempt to keep up, but only got their first computers a year ago. These people are expected to need some guidance. These people include the elderly, children, and cavemen.

   The problem is that technology has made people so lazy about using their brains, they just don't anymore. That's ok though, because there is always someone around that these people can turn to. I am one of these people. I do it for a living, and most of the time I love it. The look of realization on someones face when they just realized they could make a shortcut on their desktop is priceless. Who wouldn't enjoy doing that. These are the type of people I enjoy helping. They want to know how you just did that, they want to try other things and ask questions, and learn.

  Now, let's move on to the 2nd type of people. These are possibly the most annoying group of technology users in my field of work. These are the people who just bought their first Iphone, and now, 2 months later, think they can build an IT infrastructure because they figured out how to sync iTunes to their phones. These are the people that SCREW UP EVERYTHING IN THEIR PATH and think they are smart while doing it. Unfortunately these are the first people that the people that need legitimate help find. However, that's only because these people walk around bragging about how much they know. Then they SCREW UP the other person's computer and make it more difficult to fix later on. Lord forbid you try to tell these people they are wrong because THEY JUST FIGURED OUT HOW TO JAILBREAK THEIR iPHONE! They KNOW what they are doing, and I should just go back to playing WoW and playing with Legos. Eventually they call you and ask whats wrong with their computer because it's beyond their "Broad scope of knowledge". When you look at it, they brag about the new dog cursor that wags its tail while something is loading. They tell you they got it from a "really neat cursor pack they found because a friend shared a link on Facebook." They only downloaded it for a good cause, because it said for everyone who downloaded it Facebook would donate $100000 to some kid in Polynesia with a brain tumor", but I digress....

Let's get on with the rest of the blog entry, shall we? The next group are the ones that have college educations and think that they shouldn't have to deal with PC's. These types are most likely executives. They call when their emails won't sync, or when they need Adobe flash player installed, or a new toner installed in their printer. You attempt to explain how to fix the problem, and they have one of two possible reactions.

Reaction one is simple. "I don't have time to mess with it, come do it for me." This is acceptable with executives and bosses because some aren't happy unless your head is shoved up their ass, so it's in your best interest to do it for them.

The second reaction is the one that pisses me off. They pretend to allow you to explain how to fix it, and suddenly FORGET THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE. It's like a monkey doing a math problem. You have to say, "OK, put your finger on the "CTRL key and hold it.....are you holding it? OK, now put your finger on the Alt key" This is where they interrupt and either say "Do I let go of the control key?" or "a HUGE LONG SIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGHHHHHHH followed by "its not working" Their goal is quite simple. Annoy the piss out of you until you do it yourself. These are the ones that leave you wondering how they set their alarm at night, or how they graduated college.


There are just as many different types of people as there are technologies. So the question is; Which are you?  If you take the time to watch someone fix your computer, or follow their instructions, you may be surprised at how easily most of your problems could be fixed. Then again, it could mean less job security for me.

Al Capone should have sold insurance....

Let's talk for a moment about AUTO insurance. Isn't insurance a grand thing? Some 17 yr old driving down the road texting when he suddenly T-Bones you and destroys your $40k that you don't even own yet! Without insurance, there would be major economic repercussions to either you, or the snot nosed kids parents. Thank god for insurance, right??

Lets fast forward a decade. Let's pretend that this 17 yr old kid never had an accident. Let pretend that he puts his phone is his glove compartment while he drives so he isn't tempted to text. He is 27 yrs old now, and he has paid the insurance company $100 a month without even blinking an eye because HE KNOWS he has to.

So, 10 years, thats 120 months.  That is $12000 this kid has paid in to this insurance company. He has NEVER had an accident, or a speeding ticket. In fact he has never had to ask the insurance company for anything. He just gives them money every month in case he ever needs them. One day he spills coffee in his lap. He accidentally has a fender bender. The damage is minimal...maybe $1000 in damage. He can finally take advantage of this insurance company. He doesn't know that they are about to ram their entire fist up is anal cavity. Because a sane person would think, I have GIVEN this company $12000 since the day I started driving. They can afford $1000. Sure they can. You need to first pay your $500 deductible, so that they will give you money that you already gave them. Now you are an unsafe driver, so your insurance premium is going up by $25 a month.

HOW IN THE HELL IS THIS EVEN LEGAL!!!! Imagine...the millions upon millions of people just giving money to these insurance companies. Hardly any even need the insurance company! They just throw money at them, and where does it go???? Betty left foot tripped on a tube of KY jelly in walmart and get 3.7 million dollars for a concussion.

Why dont we funnel alll this money into personal savings. We have an accident. OH SHIT! Its ok, I have this insurance savings account. Lets get a quote and i'll cut you a check. Hell, let the insurance companies regulate it! The way I see it...all the money I have given you over the years, is MINE. If not, then you stole it.

Not only is it LEGAL for you to steal my money and then make me give you more if I need any of it, ITS REQUIRED BY LAW! 

I bet money if Al Capone were alive today, he'd be the CEO of some cut throat insurance company, and people would be praising him for running a successful business at cutting peoples balls off and selling them back to them at a profit.

"Dirty Thirty"

     As many of you know I turned 30 back on the 27th of April. I have seen some friends and relatives turn 30 in the past, and I can recall wondering why they always seemed depressed. It's not like your 40 or 50 (sorry Mom and Dad). Why be depressed? Aren't the 30's when you finally grow up?
    Well, I turned 30, and I too was depressed. Not because my life is on a downhill slope or any of that other typical age stuff. My depression is because I look back on my life, and I don't feel successful at all. Not that I'm thinking "OMG, MY LIFE IS OVER". Its like, wow, I'm running out of time to make my mark. I have very little college under my belt, and my job is on the rocks due to budget cuts. What the hell have I been doing since high school! I could probably go back to school. There are plenty of people my age still in school. The problem is that I fucked around so much in my early college days that now, I have to somehow squat and shit out 2 semesters of tuition out of my pocket.
    So, what can I do TODAY. What can I do to move my self into the right direction. The first question to ask is, what am I missing from my life. What circumstance can I change in this moment to better my situation.  I have always been a bit of a recluse, so I decided to come out of my shell even if it kills me and make some new friends. I log on to facebook to look up some of my old high school buddies....They are all married and have kids....fabulous! School and Work make it so easy to find people to hang with. I feel like the dude in I love you, man. I need to go on some man dates!
   Something else I can attempt to change today is to find "Someone" This isn't something I can do overnight, and this certainly isn't something I need to rush into. I do enjoy the companionship of a lady though. Someone to watch movies with and laugh with. I have met a few women along the way since the divorce, but none (except for one) really stick out for me as someone I desperately want to spend time with. I was so messed up in the head from the divorce at that time, that I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm certifiable at this point.
    Yes I know...the inevitable LOSE WEIGHT! I wish I could close my eyes and wrinkle my nose and not be a fat ass. However, we all know that is never going to happen. I started this blog as a weight loss blog, and I have FAILED UTTERLY AND MISERABLY at losing weight. I have this gym membership that sits in my pocket, and I never use it. It's so easy to blame it on my reclusivity and depression, but frankly, I'm tired of hearing myself say it.
     Once again (for the first time in 2 years) The doctor has changed my meds. Hopefully I can get out my slump of not wanting to move and get to the gym. This would be much easier if I had a swimming partner! Hopefully Phillip will be able to start swimming with me again and keep me motivated.


Now on to the most pressing matter. My career or lack thereof. I say lack thereof, because EVERY FREAKING PLACE I WORK SHUTS DOWN. Oh, a Store Director at Circuit City? Yes please. NOPE BANKRUPTCY.
OH! A nice career as a CS/LAN COORDINATOR Thank you! NOPE BOUGHT OUT!!! CLOSED THE PLANT!
OH!!! An IT HELPDESK COORDINATOR with room for advancement? YAY!!! NOPE! We're passing you over because the board wont let us fill your old position and that would be inconvenient. Speaking of which, they want to eliminate your position.
OK. WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL IS HAPPENING HERE! Is a stable career too much to ask. Hell the most stable job I ever had was slathering mustard on buns at Sonic. How messed up is that.

So, now, here I am....30 years old. Single, very few friends, Fat, Broke, and almost Jobless. One of these things need to change before I put my head through a wall. So from now on when you turn 30 or 40 or 50 or EVEN 60! Look first at what you HAVE RIGHT NOW, not at whats going to happen as you get older. I bet you money that you really shouldn't be depressed about a number.

If you're fat, you have no style....

The title must be a stereotype. Not only is it common, but it's very frustrating. (obviously the shirts pictured below are embellished for entertainment purposes)

Allow me to explain. If you aren't big, you likely won't understand where I am coming from. However, trying to shop for clothes is quite embarrassing when you are a big person.

I for one love the style direction that clothes are going in. I have always been a fan of retro and dingy looking clothes. So, I decided with my income tax return this year, I was going to finally bite the bullet and get some new clothes. With extra money in my bank account, I stroll into JCPenney as they actually have a decent collection of big and tall shirts....IF you have the style of Tom Arnold. You walk in and you see all these nice clothes. I am thinking wow, I like that let see if they make that in size FAT. I walk over to the big and tall section and I am greeted with the most horrendous shirts I have ever had the misfortune of laying my eyes on. I feverishly look around for the manufacturer of the really nice shirt I saw in the other section. I see a sign wavering above the clothes. I snake my way through all the cargo pants and Bill Cosby sweaters. I finally reach my destination, and what is waiting on me?

What the hell is this! It looks like Picasso upchucked on this shirt. Who would buy this. I look around on the rack and they have 20 different colorations of the same pattern. I think to myself..."This couldn't have been cheaper to manufacture than that other shirt I saw." What is the motivation to print this horrible thing.

I start to look around again. My eyes catch on some plaid shirts. Hey, I actually like the plaid pattern. Maybe I found something palatable. I flurry over to the rack with the plaid patterns. This looks promising! I reach up and pull the plaid shirt out and I am greeted with....

WHAT IS THIS SHIT! WHY!???!!?!! WHO THE F&*K would wear this! This is point where I scour the shirt hopelessly wondering if a seam ripper would fix this atrocity before resigning it to fate that once again, I would be destined to purchase solid color pique polos once again.

I decide to look through the "designer" tee's while I'm at penneys. Oh look, a shirt that says "big pappa". Oh that's cute, its a shirt with a twinkie on it... Screw it...im shopping from home.

I go home and open my best friend....Amazon.com. They never fail me. I search for "Big & Tall shirts". A hefty amount of results are returned. I am relieved as I started to scroll through them. I see a shirt that I love, I click it. Wow, its on sale! I scroll over to the "choose size" button and click it. "S, M, L, XL" Um, ok....maybe they are out of stock. NOPE. EVERY DAMN SHIRT IS THE SAME. The Manufacturer has listed my size as one of the available sizes JUST SO amazon will list their shirt in my listings. Thank you for showing me what I can have.

At this point, I am so frustrated, that I just buy my solid color polos AGAIN and call it a day.

Here is my question.

While these manufacturers are making all these stylish clothes for the people lucky enough to not be fat. Would it really be so hard to go ahead and make them in bigger sizes. Is it really necessary to make only ugly clothes for the fat guys. It's not like you sell these horrible patterns on the smaller sizes, so what's the incentive. The fat people are no longer the minority, so wake up and fire that bastard who is making these decisions and make some nice clothes for us. And here is another idea. When you do make those nice clothes. Don't double the mark up and profit margin you dickheads.

Pumped up Kicks isn't the culprit

     Before I get into this rant, I feel like I need to explain, that I do so with a heavy heart. The subject of school shootings is one that hits home with me. I went to Westside High School during the Westside Shooting, so I don't take these things lightly. I am also the father of an 8 yr old, so my heart goes out to the victims and the families of Sandy Hook Elementary.

     With that being said, I think we have a real problem when things like this happen. It seems when something happens that doesn't make sense to us, we attempt to grasp at straws, and blame these tragedies on anything that we can. There is a song called "Pumped Up Kicks" that I am sure you have heard recently. This song has been out for over a year. It has managed to fly under the radar as do many other great Indie songs. However with the recent tragic event that took place, their song has been pulled from the air. Now, I understand the lyrics are controversial. However, how exactly did a shooting suddenly cause people to be offended by it? The lyrics haven't changed since it was first released.  A song doesn't reach #3 on the billboards because most people find the lyrics offensive.
     Now, I hate to be the one to blow this horn, but songs are a form of expression. Therefore, it falls clearly under the free speech realm. Now, I know most people will say that simply pulling the song off the air doesn't mean people can't listen to it on youtube. Therefore, it hasn't truly been censored. This is BS. You know it and I know it. Kiss FM is one of the largest nationally syndicated radio stations in the U.S., and one of the most popular. By doing this, they have essentially snubbed this band.
     It's not like the band isn't being supportive. They are calling for stronger gun laws (which I won't even go into), and for donations for the school, and the victims families. Regardless of what political agendas they might have, their hearts are in the right place.

     It's not just Foster the People that are having to endure this type of censorship. Ke$ha is also dealing with it. Her song "Die Young" has also been pulled from the air. It won't stop with just music either. Games, Movies, and just about any other type of media or expression that may or may not imply any time of violence. This isnt the first time this has happened either. If American citizens are going to have these kind of "values" when a tragedy strikes, then they need to be consistent with them. Not just when its politically correct, but all the time. It's one of the biggest problems with our society today. Political Correctedness is taken too seriously. We are too afraid to hurt someones feelings in public. However, we go home and put on our headphones and we still listen to the songs. We still play the games. There is a word for this. It's hypocrite.

     I understand that the shooting was terrible. This is not to undermine or trivialize it in any way. I am just so sick of people suddenly gaining a conscience and looking down their noses at things that were just fine until something bad happened.

Foster The People, Ke$ha, Guns, Video Games.....
These things did NOT cause the tragedy. A person's actions caused it. Somebody made a conscious decision to pick up the gun. We need to understand that these types of things are going to happen. We may not ever understand them. We just need to know that ITS OK if we don't understand them. It's the times that we live in. Some people are sick, and rational thinkers simply aren't going to understand the series of events that led up to them committing these horrible acts. Mourn the lost, raise awareness, and comfort the victims families as best as we can. Don't point the bony finger of blame at things that are easy targets.

Achievement Unlocked: Life

     Anyone who has played games (especially on Xbox) know about achievements. They are given to you by completing certain goals and objectives in a game. Some are as easy as finishing the first level, or killing your first enemy. Some seem downright impossible, like completing the entire game without firing a single shot, or without dying. Some people (called achievement hunters) do everything they can to complete every achievement for every game. Depending on the difficulty you are typically awarded achievement points that serve no purpose whatsoever except for bragging rights. While achievements made a name for themselves on Xbox, almost all games have them now. All the way down to mobile games.

       Now, lets work that imagination for a moment. Imagine for a moment if you will, that life had achievements. From the moment you take your first breath to the moment you take your last, you are awarded achievements for life goals. Maybe when you are younger the achievements are simple. "Achievement Unlocked: Shit pants - 10 pts" How awesome would it be to be able to go back and look at the list of achievements you have done so far. It would be even funnier for those people who want to "live life to the fullest" and complete any achievements they may have missed. That could have some serious comedic value. Say there was an achievement for riding a pony or playing on the Burger King indoor playground. I could just imagine seeing an adult putting themselves in ridiculous situation for the sake of completion. 

     This would also be helpful for catching liars and cheaters. That girl from when you were in school that swore she was a virgin, when in reality she had sex with half the football team. You could actually track that shit. Yea, it says here that you unlocked the achievement "losin' it" in '94. It would be even worse if you decided to have sex with someone. Hey lets "ding" together. I'm ready to ding. Then you finish up and an achievement pops up above your head "Achievement Unlocked - Losin' It - 25pts" How awkward would it be when your girlfriend didn't get the achievement, because of the "7 minutes in heaven" game that went a bit to far at that college party. 

     Obviously the Achievement tracker would need some type of privacy controls. After all, you wouldn't want your parents to see all your achievements. No Dad, I didn't egg the principals house. I was with friends that did it, and I got the achievement for being a member of the party at the time. 

     Then there is the obvious issue of deciding what items are tracked. For instance, not many people would want to look back and see that they unlocked the achievement for having sex with 100 different sex partners,  or for drinking an entire bottle liquor in one sitting. Although these things would be good to know about someone if you were getting to know them.

   So what was the last achievement you unlocked? What achievements do you still need?